NASCAR Fan Steals 80 Year Old Woman’s Car
(NASCRAP Fake News Service) Akron, Ohio. Akron police reported today that they arrested a 38-year-old man who has admitted that he stole the 2006 Chevy Impala SS this morning from an 80 year old woman who was shopping at Aldi in downtown Akron.
Jeffery Dale Busch of Akron was arrested for aggravated stupidity, police said today.
Ms Alma Mae Reddinger, the owner of the car, stated that she was shopping at Aldi’s for more fiber. When she returned to the parking lot, she witnessed Busch coveting her car. When she approached her car, Busch asked if she would like to trade automobiles. She refused the transaction. That’s when it all went wrong.
In an effort to promote progressive design and technologies, Cheverolet has announced it will phase out the Monte Carlo and replace it with the Impala SS. The Impala, a model introduced in 1958, will serve as Chevrolet’s version of NASCAR’s “car of tomorrow.”
Busch, who is driving a 1984 Monte Carlo, realizing the implications of change, became desparate. He told police, he “couldn’t bear to watch NASCAR push the envelope in car design and innovation.” A self-proclaimed racing fanatic, he further stated, “I need to be a part of the car of tomorrow. How could Chevy and NASCAR leave ME behind?”
Busch, an unmarried, father of five, has recently lost his job as a temporary mold maker for the Goodyear Tire & Rubber Company (official supplier of tires to NASCAR) and couldn’t afford to keep up with the technological pace of change within the racing series. “The Impala is it. They’re pushing the limits with this,” Busch said. “I know what I did was wrong. But I need to be on the bleeding edge.”
In a twist of irony, Jeffery Dale Busch’s old brother, Daryl Petty Busch, suffered a similar fate when Ford abandoned the Thunderbird chassis in favor of the Ford Taurus in the early ’90s. Unfortunately for the older Busch, being unfamilar with the nuances of front wheel-drive, he experienced massive amounts of understeer going into the first corner and hit the wall, ending his day early.
Busch is in the Summit County Jail.
